One Post to Start Them All

Whenever I wake up and the first thing I do is look in the mirror, I know it's going to be a bad day.
Whenever I wake up and the first thing I do is look at the clock, I know it's going to be a bad day.
Whenever I wake up and the first thing I do is look at the ceiling, I know it's going to be a bad day.
Whenever I wake up and the first thing I do is look at my computer, I know it's going to be a bad day.
Whenever I wake up and the first thing I do is think about what to do, I know it's going to be a bad day.
Whenever I wake up the first thing I do is know that it's going to be a bad day.

This isn't me. This isn't who I've worked to become. This isn't where I've ever pictured myself arriving, this isn't who I should be. But I am.

For sometime now, I've been taking on stress the way the Titanic took on water. I tried to compartmentalize it, seal it off, keep it isolated. I was unsinkable.

But sometime recently, just like the Titanic, I've snapped. I've split entirely in two and people have been sucked into the wake of my self destruction. And I don't even care.

I've had moments of intense happiness, but as many of intense despair. I'm not built for a life beyond the mundane. I'm learning now that something is wrong with my wiring. Songs that used to make me so happy make me want to break whatever's playing them. People I used to hold dear suddenly feel like magnets of the same polarity and I just want to push them all away. They piss me off and make me feel so unhappy, so angry, so frustrated.

Those words, those three words... They never used to be in my character description, but now that's all that comprises me. Unhappiness, anger, frustration, all fighting for dominance for all the world to see.

I never used to be this. I used to have so many masks that I could make anyone like me in spite of themselves. Really, I could make anyone like me in spite of all my flaws and good intentions. But that seems a time long gone.

I don't know if these will ever see the light of day, but the next series of posts will all be my recovery process, which will hopefully include a dive into the events leading up to this metaphysical crisis, an analysis of what exactly I did during this crisis, and maybe if I'm really lucky and I work really hard at it, I'll get a happy ending.

I pledge to be entirely open and honest, to hit backspace only when I know I'm spelling something wrong, and take the time to correct myself rather than start a new sentence. Basically, I want this to be like a monologue and the words that I say will be irrevocable. Yes. Sounds dangerous and risky. I like it.

I understand this is on the internet and there are weird strangers out there who could easily use this against me, to hurt me, to do terrible awful things to me. But I only have one thing left to lose and that is my belief in the propensity of humanity to be inherently good. I'm not asking for pity, I'm asking for decency. There should be a difference.

Don't be an asshole, I've got enough of that to go around.